Archive for June, 2005

GARAGE SALES SUCK

June 30, 2005


I will be so glad when I get thru with this flapping garage sale…jenny my 16 year old granddaughter came over and we got alot done, but so damn hot I let her off so she could go to the lake with her friends..I cant believe the crap I have..2 sets of golf clubs(I dont play golf, my tits get in the way), a saddle, blanket and riata(dont ride a horse, my ass is too big) and all kinds of other stuff..my stuff will soon be someone”s shit..my aussie friend Ross has been reading my blogs and thinks Im pretty funny. He still cant believe I havent had sex in 20 years…now, why would even a great story teller tell a lie about that…most people lie and say they get it all the time…I admit, I used to get more ass than a toilet seat..but dem days is long gone..no one wants a long tittied old broad…my bra sizes are not just by the cup size anymore..they are like mens suits…I wear a 44 long…wanna shoot me in the chest..aim for the knee caps..Henerietta the librarian is pissing me off. no one checks out more books than I do..she got about 7 new books and cataloged them and gave me one…I can read those 7 books faster than 7 people can read one..fuck…im a book hog, that is all there is to it..well, until I get the garage sale done, I wont be charging off to Crawford to kick forest’s ass. but when I do go, my blogger posse is going with me..so be prepared..we are going to sneak off to the ranch(there are no fucking livestock..it should not be called a ranch…compound maybe..but not a ranch.)and do some damage to ole forest’s ass…cut down all his trees maybe…drain his tank…flatten all his bike’s tires…I’ll think of something..all while using the 100 best movie quotes..still have a bunch left….ya’ll come back and see me ya’hea

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MAD AS HELL PART 5

June 29, 2005


“oh fuck, where’s my cat? What have you done with my cat..??? You sonsabitches, where is my cat?” “You know, you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.” said Dick…”Look you old fart, you better get my cat or I will rip your nuts off and feed them to you”. “Ok, ok, dont get your panties in a wad, we took him to the war room.”…”you are fucking evil, you know that?and who are those two guys fighting over Rocky? “Cheney with a sneer says “Gentlemen.Yoy can’t fight in here.This is the war room.”…”Man, you guys are just fucked up, you know that?”….Well, noboby”s perfect.”…
Jackiesue grabbed up Rocky who was spitting out human skin and ran for the door..-Chaney yelled at her from the doorway”Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?” “You are one sick bastard” screamed Jackisue.”MMMMM-HMMMM! This is a tasty burger”..
“Come on Rocky, lets head on back to Texas..”
to be continued…

TOWN MOURNS THE LOSS OF ITS ONLY DEMOCRAT

June 29, 2005


Jackiesue D_______ passed away yesterday evening while watching the Presidents speech about Iraq. “As well as we can figure she just went up in flames.” said Freddy Gerik, local volunteer firefighter.”I think they call it spontaneous conbustion, but I’d never seen anything like it before. “Mrs. Maryruth Stroder was questioned by the police as she had called them to complain about the noise, cursing and furniture being tossed out of the house by Ms. D_______. “I have heard her yelling and screaming at the tv before when the President was on, but nothing like tonight, she just went crazy. The last thing I heard her say was “the Iraqui’s had nothing to do with 9-11 you ignorant, noaccount motherfucker.”..man, she was just so mad at him..”Other neighbors when questioned said they saw her standing in the door way tossing out furniture and then she threw out the tv…”Then the next thing we saw was her bursting into flames”, said Mrs. Shroder as she wiped away a tear…”it was just awful, poor Jackie, who is going to take care of her dogs and cat?” When her son arrived he said he wasen’t surprised. that she had gotten a lot worse about the President every since he got reelcedted. said he wasen’t President, he was a fucking theif. Visably shaken her son wept, She always wanted to be cremated, guess she saved us about $1,000. She wanted her ashes to be scattered on a patch of blue bonnets…so we will keep what’s left of her in a KFC box until spring and then we will obey her last wish..”On being notified by her family, her blog friends were all saddened to hear of her death..”Well, at least she went out in a blaze of glory, too bad she couldnt have taken Forest with her”, said her blogger friend Soonerfan78…At her family’s request, in lieu of flowers please make donations to the election of Kinky Friedman for governor of Texas….

THINGS THAT MAKE ME LAUGH,CRY OR SAY FUCK

June 28, 2005


or just things that twist my mind and my drawers..
there was article in dallas morning news..about high-tech pajamas for women with hot flashes and the dreaded night sweats…a moisture managment product…well fuck me… next there will be thermal underwear for men who suffer from blue balls…ok, that’s one…
now how many of you have seen the commerical for aol. where the woman comes in with a apple crunch cake to thank them for putting in the spy wear with her aol..???? now if this was real life, she would have had to get on the plane and fly to India to give them the cake as there are no tech”s in the us…they are all in India or some other country. I know as I have had many talks with the aol tech”s and not one of them speak english as a first language..I got so pissed off one night after getting one Indian after another Indian trying to explain my problem to me…finally went redneck and said if I was going to be forced to talk to an Indian could I at least talk to an American Indian, like a Hopi, or Navajo or Apache..least I would be able to understand them…that’s two.
today along with my water bill I received the 2004 annual drinking water quality report…for the city of west…the average contaminant of arsenic is 0.400, this is from erosion of natural deposits, runnoff from orchards, runnoff from glass and electonics production wastes…there is also below the limits of barium, chronium, fluoride, nitrate, combined radium, gross beta emitters, and gross alpha.these are inorganic contaminants…
organic contaminants are atrazine, and xylenes.
disinfection byproducts are total haloacetic acids, and total trihalomethanes…
plus secondary and other not regulated constituents…aluminum, bircarbonate, calcium, chloride, copper, iron, lead, magnesium, manganese, nickel, ph, sodium yadayada….yadayada..
in other words with all this “stuff” in the water …it’s fit to drink…ha…and people want to know why I drink so much damn Dublin Dr. Pepper…
that’s three..
Tonight Forest Gump is going to talk to us about the war in Iraq…well, fuck me til I cant walk with out a hitch in my getalong..I got my email from movingon.org. and they have a list of papers you can write to..a fast way to write to President Gump as if that will help any…spending has gone up 33% since forest took office…highest since any president..I wonder just how close to crawford I can really get…that’s four..
Texas won the baseball series..Baylor didnt..fuck..plus we got scanctioned by the commissioner for being bad two years ago..cant play in any bowl games for one or two years…could have been worse..but the Baptist are smart..they did the mea culpa, begged for forgivness, said “we be sorry” and kissed alot of ass..sooo like I said, it could have been worse..that”s five
well, I now have to take time out from all this fun to write an article for the west news about our library. no one uses it …we need patrons and Im going to raise some hell..see if I cant get the memebership up..or one day I will drive up and there will be pad locks on the door and let me tell you..that will not be good for some one..cause me with out my library..is not a good thing..I promise you…some asskicking will commence…ya’ll come back..ya’hea…

GARAGE SALE.FUCK

June 28, 2005


Well, I finally put ad in local paper for the garage sale…I have done eveything possible to stall and make excuses to keep from doing it..but so sick and tired of the “room of shit”…in this room are tables, chairs, saddles, 2 sets of golf clubs, tools, a small trampoline, books, picture frames( a box full)books, carpet shampooer, wet/dry vac, old record player, records, books, dish wear, glasses, knick nacks, clothes, small and large tile..boxes full,more fucking books,curtains, sheets, and so much more stuff I have forgotten. Havent been able to get in this room for 6 months…and I am almost possitive that Rocky has shit in there some place and I cant get to it..I may just sit the fucker on fire…not Rocky, the room full of shit..
weird stuff is going on in my little town of mayberry…two saturdays in a row someone has let the dogs out…and they have made an all day trip out of it and dont come home till 10pm or so…cant imagine what kind of trouble they were getting into…so far no cops.. and then yesterday I went to go to the library and the truck is deader than my last husband..the lights had been left on…but here is the kicker…I almost never drive at night…last time I had driven the truck was sat. afternoon.. no lights… so either when I was getting out of the truck I hit the switch and turned the lights on, (tried and it is pretty hard to do) or some kids think it would be funny ….summer time and nothing for them to do…and Henrietta said there had been lots of calls to police because kids were pulling stunts all over town. knocking over mail boxes out in the country, stealing gas, some breaking and entering …usual summer pranks..but they had better know if I catch them I will drop kick them Jesus, thru the goal posts of life..
rented 5 movies again for a week…sometimes that is too much pressure on me to watch all those movies in a week..every night is …gotta watch a movie, only have 4 more days to watch these movies…fuck..takes all the joy out of it…only one good movie out of it..Man on Fire with denzel washington…now that was a good movie..like revenge movies. kicking ass movies..which brings me to the summer movie I would love to see …war of the worlds..but that stupid fucking tom cruise has made it almost impossible to go and see it now…every time I see his face I will be wanting the aliens to eat his ass..or at least kick it..little fucker..what a nut job..
I am down to counting the days now…til…..football season…I might as well warn you all now…I totally become bi-polar during football season..as I live and die with the cowboys…if they win I am manic and smile like a jackass eating cactus..if they lose I am so despondent that I twist between homicide and suicide..but know someone has to die…preferably a eagles fan..I hate the eagles..I hate the eagles fans…I pray to the Goddess daily during football season to smite them fuckers…and smite them good..
well, guess I should go start getting ready for the garage sale…fuck…

MAD AS HELL PART 4

June 28, 2005



By now Rocky is so pissed at not being allowed to see Forest Gump he is starting to implode…”You sonsabitches, we wanna see the president hisownself..now”..Cheney, calm as a summer breeze says,”nope, no way. You cant see the president”…Rocky screams at the top of his little lungs:”If you dont get the president of the United States on that phone, do you know what’s goonna happen to you?…You’re gonna have to answer to to the coca-cola company.”Cheney laughs like the crazy man he is and then whispers:”of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine”then as his eyes glisten and slobber runs down his chin he says”I’d like to take a bite of you. You’re a cookie full of arsenic.”By this time Jackiesue was tired of being jerked around and said menancingly..”Go ahead, make my day.”.and before I really lose my temper and tap dance on your forehead and cotton eyed joe on your rib cage…where the fuck is Forest motherfucking Gump?”…Cheney laughs…”Why Jackiesue….dont you know? The president is down in Crawford, you could have just driven down the road and had your little visit, not that anyone will let you within 100 yards of him,as your on every watch list there is…Only reason you got in here is because we knew the ole boy was home in Texas.” “Judas fucking priest….quit telling the world he is a texan..the sonofabitch was born in conn. and is no more a Texan, a cowboy or even a good ole boy than Martha Stewart is a gentlile ole lady. Well, fuck, now we have to go back to Texas and see if we can find him, come on Rocky, its time to go home.”But Rocky is no where to be found…..
to be continued

MAD AS HELL, PART 3

June 27, 2005


Rocky has turned into psycho cat.. He has doubled in size and is showing his fangs..both of them..he lost the other two in a dog fight..he swivels his head around sniffing the air…”ah, my precious”…Jackiesue laughs hysterically and says, “no dipshit, its not Condi Rice, or we would have heard long nails clicking on the floor and the sound of scales …. and look Rocky…its the most powerful man in the country…Dick cheney..and he doesnt look too happy to see us.”Rocky is so pissed his eyes are bugging out of his head..We dont need to see this asshole, we want Forest Gump.”Cheney says with a smirk…”the president doesnt want to see you and you have to leave..
im getting ran out of library so will cont. tomorrow..

I’M MAD AS HELL, PART 2

June 25, 2005


Rocky had been riding quietly in Jackiesue’s arms from Texas to the White house, but now he said “Mein fuhrer, I can walk”…”ok, ok,…take it easy…just be on the watch for those two furry dogs of Forest Gump”s and he has a cat too..”..”Dogs and cats living together!Mass hysteria.!”…”Look, just keep an eye out for the animals and the secret service, cause if they find you here remember.”you owe me money”..and “I stick my neck out for nobody”…”Ha, ha Jackiesue, your sooooo funny.”…”what do you mean, I’m funny?..You mean the way I talk? What?…Funny how? I mean, what”s funny about it? But I”m funny how? I mean, funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m hre to fuckin” amuse you? What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How”m I funny?..How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me? Tell me what’s funny!..”and Rocky replied “you talkin’to me?”…”Enough, enough…that’s a fucking enough…, lets just find the doofus, kick his ass and get the fuck out of dodge”…
So the dynamic duo started down the long hall way of the biggest little whore house in Washington, DC..
“you know the only thing I really want out of this little trip is the truth..the truth about why we are in a war with a country that had nothing to do with 9-11, the truth about why the tax cut only was profitable for the top 1%of the country.The truth about why we are in a war with a country that did us no harm until we invaded them and the price of oil is still higher than a cats back, no offense Rocky. The truth about how his program of no child left behind has left all the kids behind.The truth about all the x-lobbiest that are now working either for the republican party or for him personaly…I just want the truth Rocky ..is that too much for me to ask?Can you answer me that?” “you want answers?” Rocky screamed…”I want the truth”, Jackiesue screamed back.”You can’t handle the truth!”…screamed Rocky, so loud that they were overheard…breathing heavily they both listen as foot steps could be heard ..getting closer and closer….
to be continued..

DOODY PATROL

June 24, 2005


I will finish the invasion of the white house by me and rocky..but have to get some sleep first..jamie my 16 year old granddaughter was taking care of her sister jennifer”s new little pit bull puppy and I got stuck babysitting it…his name is kilo but I called him spike as in what I would like to drive thru his little shitting every 4 minutes heart…Dont get me wrong…I love dogs and Im crazy about this little puppy…but I have house trained the last dog ever…I dont get much sleep as it is, but waking up every 3 hours to take the puppy out is a pain in the ass. because its just not taking the dog out and him going and coming back in..its the other two dogs getting up and going out too and then all three of them deciding to play, chase crickets, fetch the golf balls that are scattered all over the yard…and just fuck around…by the time I get eveyone back in bed and asleep, its time to take the little fucker out again…plus I had to keep a close watch on the 2 older dogs as they werent all that impressed with his cuteness and tried to eat him twice… they did not think it was cute at all when he jumped on their tail and started chewing it ..or chewing on ppp”s ears…trooper would actually run from him and looked at me like “please, get him off of me”..so when Jamie came over today I shoved the pup in her arms and said “see ya later gater”…feel bad cause I volunteered…just didnt know that the dogs would try and make dinner out of him…
I went to american film institute web site and down loaded all 100 of the most favorite movie quotes..so will start on the rest of the story… have lots of great ideas, but have this thought that the feds are probably reading this shit and the idea of me making jokes about storming the white house and kicking forest gumps ass, might get me arrested and tossed in jail….but…its just too good not to try…so after I do write it and no one hears from me in say 5-10 years…lets hope at least I get a nice federal pen to spend it in….

I’M MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE.”

June 22, 2005


thought jackie as she packed up her trusted and faithful companion Rocky and headed out to Washington,DC to confront King George face to face and in person…She knew that only she could save the country from the man who was giving cowboys a bad name…she knew it wasen’t going to be easy but like she had always said,”i love the smell of naplm in the morning” and off they went..As she was bording the plane Jackie wispered to Rocky, “fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.”
With Rocky tucked under her arm she departed the plane in DC and finding a cab went directly to the White House where she knew she would find (ack, gag, choak) the president…King George his ownself..Standing in front of the guard house Jackie confronted the Marine Guard and said, let me in …I need to see the President. What makes you think you can just get in to see the president Jackie?..She replied, “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.”..well, come on in then…and he ushered her right to the white house doors…as he walked away Jackie heard him say “May the force be with you.”
“Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Jackie looked around and all she could think of was…this is “the stuff that dreams are made of” and went in search for ole George…
to be continued…