Normally when I go outside to get the Dallas Morning paper it is still dark outside and I can prace around in the moonlight with no worry about anyone catching a glimce of my fat ass and bouncing titties. I can wear my night/tshirt and drawers and dash and grab or slow stroll to the truck and retrieve my paper from the bed of my lil’ ole pickup…I had called Gus and asked him if he could toss it in the bed as it made it easier to fetch than having to crawl on my hands and knees under the truck or wander up and down the alley looking for it..he said… I am happy with the arrangement…which leads to my story.
I didn’t go to sleep till almost 6am and didn’t get the paper in before I went to when I fell out of bed at 1:30pm I was still groggy and disoriented, but knew I had to get my paper…after I pee, it is the first thing I do…So I peed, and then stagged out the front door. Not thinking about the fact that it is not 6am, that it is 1pm. Watching my feet as the porch has assorted bowls for cat food, water and bird seed. I carefully make my way down the stairs and slowly tip toe(as I am barefooted)..across the yard..Now here is where the story goes funny. I am still undressed in my West Headhunters tshirt and white cotton hanes drawers, but it matters not to me as I am in 6am getting paper mode. I continue across the yard, go through the gate and reach across the bed of the truck to fetch my paper..I turn and I am looking across the fence at my neighbors yard which is full of people having a Memorial Day BBQ. You could have heard a mouse fart. No that was me, when I reached across the bed of the truck to get my paper…So there I stand in my tshirt which barely covers my tits, more or less my ass, clutching my paper to my heaving tits as I am a little winded from the walk and stretch. Well, I have been known to handle most situations and wasn’t going to stop now.So I held my head up, walked through the gate, closed the gate, all the time keeping my ass in general direction of the alley, and tiptoed back across the yard, still clutching my paper. Walked up the porch, opened the screen door, stepped inside, turned only my head to the neighbors who are still eerierly quiet, and said:”Happy Memorial Day.”..and went inside, shut the door, walked over to the tv,still clutching the paper, turned the sound up as loud as it would go to cover my hysterical laughter..and theirs…which by the sound of them hee hawing it up outside, it didn’t work..
Ahhhhhh, jeez…getting to be where I have NO fucking privacy.



  1. Babs Says:

    You forgot to mention that you got cheers when you went back out later fully clothed. LMAO!!!!
    Yep, I’m still laughing!!

  2. apositivepessimist Says:

    ahhh a memorial weekend that nobody will forget.


  3. Nancy Says:

    Too funny! Loved this story.

  4. Jezebelle Says:

    LMFAO! I am sure you gave them a Memorial Day they will never forget!

  5. Donna Says:

    Oh Geez…hilarious woman!! Totally something I would do! 🙂
    And yes that is not picture of a seashell with a light in it 🙂 it’s my little boy Taz

  6. Junebugg Says:

    Damn, I wish I coulda seen that! Come move next to me, my neighbors never do anything interesting.

    Do ya think any of the guys got excited by being exposed to your fabulous hinnie and titulating tatas?

  7. marie b. Says:

    Damn, and I thought I was bad going downstairs to get the paper in my knee-length jersey and socks.

  8. Eurotrash Says:

    I should have been more careful since I know you already. I wasn’t, and now I have to wipe all the spit from the screen after bursting out loud in laughter. Damn you!

    Have you ever contemplated publishing collected stories about your life in West? You do have an undeniable gift and an interestingly unique voice that should be preserved better than this.

  9. PJ Says:

    LOL What a Memorial Day memory for your neighbors. LOL

    I am glad I have a paper box on my house so I don’t have to go outside to get my paper. Ha.

  10. Nit Wit Says:

    Gee, a book. You could call it wandering through West.
    Just think you have brightened the lives of so many people today. I’m still haveing trouble getting the image of smoke out of my gourd.
    I had to stop getting the paper cause I had to go to my mailbox to get it over 100 yards up the hill by the park and little league fields. Not somewhere I can go in my skivies. 🙂

  11. leo myshkin Says:

    were hank dale boomhaugher and bill at the bbq?

    happy memorial day!

  12. Eurotrash Says:

    nit wit, you are a sadistic sob! Ghange your “logo”(?), for you must be driving Granny mad with it. Since it’s introduction I have been running to bathroom at an alarming rate, too. Give us a break, will you!

  13. chattymoon2012 Says:

    Hehehe as another person with over-generous backside (also covered in white haines your way, or Just my Size, outsized old-people’s drawers), and titties to the waist shaking all over the place it is easy for me to visualise the sight the next-door party saw yesterday 🙂 If I have to go acroos the yard to Amanda’s I cross my arms over my chest and pretend like I am the 32b I used to be,

  14. Joshua Says:

    Great story! And the comment you left on my blog about your breasts had me laughing so hard it brought tears.

  15. Scottish Toodler Says:


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