…….IF…….


If I were:
a month, I would be the best fucking time you ever had in 30 days.
a day of the week, I would be the day you don’t have a dentist appointment.
a time of day, I would be that time right before you go to sleep.
a sea animal, I would be one that has never been discovered because I stay at the bottom of the ocean eating smaller fish and sleeping.
a direction, I would be forward….never go straight..always go forward.
if I was a sin, you would have so much fun doing me that Moses
would scratch me off the tablet.
a historical figure, I would have been Eve, and God wouldn’t have had time to kick me out of Eden as I would have left the first time he said ‘thy shalt not…’
a planet, I would be Mars…big …fat…and red….
if I were a liquid, well, we all know the answer to that one….DUBLIN DR.PEPPER, all cooled down in a bucket of shaved ice.
a stone, I would be the one that David shot out of his slingshot and hit Goliath in the head.
if I was a tree, I would be the one that lovers would want to lay a blanket under.
if I was a bird, I would be the bluebird of happiness.
a flower/plant…hmmm. I would be a bluebonnet along some country lane out in the middle of the hill country in my sweet state of Texas.
kind of weather…I would be a Texas summer thunderstorm with lots of wind and lightning.
mythical creature, I would be a fire breathing, asskicking,christian eating dragon that worked for the goddess.
musical instrument, I would be a saxaphone…so you could blow in one end and run your fingers up and down me.
if I was an animal, I would be an elephant..I like the sisterhood that the female elephants have with each other..besides I’m already fat and wrinkly…
if I was a color I would be skyblue pink…like in Texas sunsets.
if I was an emotion I would be the one you have when some one puts their arms around you and says “everything is going to be ok.”
if I was an element I would be fire.
a song, I would be Amazing Grace, sung by Willie Nelson.
a movie, I would be packed full of adventure, romance, laughter and have a happy ending.
a book, it would be very funny and in large print..
a food, well, I would be a little salty, with a hint of cumin with lots of spice and would give you gas.
a place, I would be tiny island in the middle of the ocean…
taste, I would be that after taste you get in the back of your mouth.
scent..well, Tabu of course.
religion…I would be a pagan religion with no churches, priests or priestess, no collection plates, and the only sin would be greed..as greed leads to all other sins..nip it in the bud.
word? yes.
if I were a body part I would be the funny bone.
facial expression would be open faced grin.
subject in school, I would be world history.
cartoon character, I would be goofy.
shape, I would be and I am….round.
number, I would be my ever loving 7.
peice of jewelry, I would be a toe ring.
piece of furniture, I would be a rocker on your front porch, but I would sqeak, every 7th rock.
if I was a car, I would be a GT40, Carroll Shelby’s first racecar.
and last but not least. If I was a piece of clothing I would be an old blue flannel shirt with most of the buttons gone, the collar worn and the sleeves frayed.
anyone who wants to do this should…..it don’t suck.

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20 Responses to “…….IF…….”

  1. Nancy Says:

    Awwww Goddess I am not worthy. Wonderful answers!

  2. yellowdog granny Says:

    bless you my child…

  3. Babs Says:

    You always crack me up on these things!!! Smart ass!

  4. Nit Wit Says:

    Just the threat of the nude rain dance and now you will get a monsoon.
    Christian eating dragon I like that. Pita would complain about forcing it to eat an unhealthy diet.

  5. ariadneK, Ph.D. Says:

    LOL…I don’t think I could have come up with responses anywhere near as classy as these.

  6. Jezebelle Says:

    I am with Nancy.

  7. apositivepessimist Says:

    a most excellent list of IF’s.

  8. apositivepessimist Says:

    you notice we both are *grinning* in our facial expression. I just noticed that 😉

  9. Autumn Says:

    Those are the most awesome answers I have read anywhere on the net. You always amaze me!

  10. apositivepessimist Says:

    and a thumb up yer bum!

    didya feel that?

  11. JDaaris Says:

    You’re answers are lyrical, and I enjoyed ’em. Thanks for being a blog pal and in my corner, I ‘preciate it. You okay?

  12. PJ Says:

    Wow. You are so quick witted. I loved reading this list of ifs. I heard you were out dancing in the moonlight again, nekked. I think you have become an exibitionist.

  13. texlahoma Says:

    Good answers. I was looking for one but they’er all good!

  14. leo myshkin Says:

    ah, the bluebird of happiness. reminds me of the titanic bluebirds. have ever read “the sirens of titan”. i think you’d love it.

  15. Clance' McClannahan Says:

    Beautiful Jac…your words bring visual and poetic eloquence to my dead brain. Thanks.

  16. Maritzia Says:

    Okay, I have to ask…what the heck *is* a dublin dr. pepper?

    Ohhhh…and Texas thunderstorms. I *so* miss thunderstorms…such majesty and power…and the rain falling on the hot, parched ground so fast the ground can’t soak it up enough…yeah, I can see you that way.

    We don’t have thunderstorms up here in the Northwest…I think it’s the thing about Texas I miss the most.

  17. Galt-In-Da-Box Says:

    I dunno what a Dublin Dr. Pepper is, but if it gots booze in it, I’ll take two!
    Are you sure you’re not Judy Collins’ version of Amazing Grace? That woman had a set of pipes that’d rival every cathedral on earth.
    Sounds like Buddhism for the religion…Not bad, really. You would probably love A New Kind Of Country by Dorothy Gilman:
    “The main problem is no more whether there is life after death, but whether there is life after birth!”

  18. Big Pissy Says:

    Great answers!

    Bet you had fun coming up with ’em!

  19. dom Says:

    Great answers Jackiesue , is there such a colour as skyblue pink ? If so I’ve yet to see it ,here in good ol England we only get Yorkshire grey sky.

  20. BriteYellowGun Says:

    Great answers JS!

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